Saturday, June 4, 2011

My seemingly post-college apocalyse

Before I start, I believe this cartoon (from xkcd.com) really sums up my feelings about the current state of my life.

The afterglow of care-free college is starting to dim now that a year has past since graduation. I am still no closer to figuring out my life than when I walked across the stage to get my diploma.

With such large looming doubts about graduate school (see my previous post), another problem has crept into the limelight of my life. My little heart and mind can barely handle this much stress and my sensitive and Type A personality cannot help but run wild with it.

Relationships are HARD. Particularly long distance ones, like the one that Biff and I have maintained this last year. Looking back on the year, I thought we were doing really really well. But the prospect of another year far apart brings on another flood of mixed emotions.

Lately the stress of trying to navigate my life/plan for the future has been too tough to bear. This results in freak-outs, mood swings, and all around craziness that Biff, my friends, and family have been gracious enough to be patient through.

With all of these problems, things to discuss/work out, it is sometimes really hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. So many "what if's" are floating around in my brain. Additionally, I cannot help but feel, at times, that there is no all-around perfect solution to this conundrum.

There are just too many factors/people in play here. I guess it really is true that your life is full of networks/connections to others.

These are all the things I really need to figure out.
1. My professional career. What am I going to do? What do I want to do? It has many implications on where I need to live, whether or not I need graduate study, etc.
2. My relationship with Biff. We cannot be long-distance forever if we're going to make this work.
3. The pressures of my family. They value career and money above all else during my current life stage.

I wish these things would just get easier. I am really at a loss of what I should do. I am currently unhappy at this point. Although I know what I need to do to make myself happy, it might not be the smartest or most productive thing for me at this point in my life. I might be taking a big risk here. I have a lot at stake.

I hope you can forgive me for my somewhat vague melodramatic post here.

ALL ABOUT APPS... Wrap-up 2011

Well the psychology doctoral application cycle came and went with the passing of the April 15th deadline. Must say after an excitable last few days of the process, I ended up with no acceptances. I have very mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, I am happy because the pressures of the roller coaster ride and the weight of the impending decision was almost too much to bear.

On the other hand, I can't help but feel the sting of rejection leading me to re-consider my fate professionally.

Doubts have started to form. Large gaping cracks have really started to break down my resolve, motivation, and determination.

I have allotted myself 3 cycles in this whole process, because I understand the competitive nature of it all. Although, I am seriously wondering what I should do because of these doubts!

My head is full of so many questions. Can I do the work necessary to complete a doctoral program? Am I willing to sacrifice MUCH of my free time, social life, and other fun things that should be characteristic of youth? Once I graduate, will I be able to find a job? Will the job's salary readily justify the fact that I was out of the workforce for X amount of years? Do I really want all of this, or do I just feel compelled to because I am too afraid to wander around life without a plan? Is a large part of this family-driven? What other degrees should/could I get?

How do I even begin to answer these questions?

I never thought that graduating from undergrad would bring on this tsunami of craziness. I no longer have a set path in front of me. I am free to do pretty much anything but I am crippled by the weight of being an adult. I feel like I am drowning and trying to fight for some air.

These are the primary things that I want out of my life: I want to have fun, I sincerely want to enjoy my youth, I want to begin my life with Biff, and eventually settle down in near a city of opportunity where my children can grow and learn. I want to provide them with a solid foundation for their future. I also crave stability for myself. Therefore, I want to strike a balance now of enjoying my youth AND being productive career-wise (so i don't have to play catch-up when it is too late and it's baby time)

Oh, what to do.

I guess my plan will remain the same. I will apply for that last application cycle. I guess it is better to know than not know.