aMusings Blog

My seemingly post-college apocalyse

2011-06-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

Before I start, I believe this cartoon (from xkcd.com) really sums up my feelings about the current state of my life.

The afterglow of care-free college is starting to dim now that a year has past since graduation. I am still no closer to figuring out my life than when I walked across the stage to get my diploma.

With such large looming doubts about graduate school (see my previous post), another problem has crept into the limelight of my life. My little heart and mind can barely handle this much stress and my sensitive and Type A personality cannot help but run wild with it.

Relationships are HARD. Particularly long distance ones, like the one that Biff and I have maintained this last year. Looking back on the year, I thought we were doing really really well. But the prospect of another year far apart brings on another flood of mixed emotions.

Lately the stress of trying to navigate my life/plan for the future has been too tough to bear. This results in freak-outs, mood swings, and all around craziness that Biff, my friends, and family have been gracious enough to be patient through.

With all of these problems, things to discuss/work out, it is sometimes really hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. So many "what if's" are floating around in my brain. Additionally, I cannot help but feel, at times, that there is no all-around perfect solution to this conundrum.

There are just too many factors/people in play here. I guess it really is true that your life is full of networks/connections to others.

These are all the things I really need to figure out.
1. My professional career. What am I going to do? What do I want to do? It has many implications on where I need to live, whether or not I need graduate study, etc.
2. My relationship with Biff. We cannot be long-distance forever if we're going to make this work.
3. The pressures of my family. They value career and money above all else during my current life stage.

I wish these things would just get easier. I am really at a loss of what I should do. I am currently unhappy at this point. Although I know what I need to do to make myself happy, it might not be the smartest or most productive thing for me at this point in my life. I might be taking a big risk here. I have a lot at stake.

I hope you can forgive me for my somewhat vague melodramatic post here.

ALL ABOUT APPS... Wrap-up 2011

2011-06-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

Well the psychology doctoral application cycle came and went with the passing of the April 15th deadline. Must say after an excitable last few days of the process, I ended up with no acceptances. I have very mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, I am happy because the pressures of the roller coaster ride and the weight of the impending decision was almost too much to bear.

On the other hand, I can't help but feel the sting of rejection leading me to re-consider my fate professionally.

Doubts have started to form. Large gaping cracks have really started to break down my resolve, motivation, and determination.

I have allotted myself 3 cycles in this whole process, because I understand the competitive nature of it all. Although, I am seriously wondering what I should do because of these doubts!

My head is full of so many questions. Can I do the work necessary to complete a doctoral program? Am I willing to sacrifice MUCH of my free time, social life, and other fun things that should be characteristic of youth? Once I graduate, will I be able to find a job? Will the job's salary readily justify the fact that I was out of the workforce for X amount of years? Do I really want all of this, or do I just feel compelled to because I am too afraid to wander around life without a plan? Is a large part of this family-driven? What other degrees should/could I get?

How do I even begin to answer these questions?

I never thought that graduating from undergrad would bring on this tsunami of craziness. I no longer have a set path in front of me. I am free to do pretty much anything but I am crippled by the weight of being an adult. I feel like I am drowning and trying to fight for some air.

These are the primary things that I want out of my life: I want to have fun, I sincerely want to enjoy my youth, I want to begin my life with Biff, and eventually settle down in near a city of opportunity where my children can grow and learn. I want to provide them with a solid foundation for their future. I also crave stability for myself. Therefore, I want to strike a balance now of enjoying my youth AND being productive career-wise (so i don't have to play catch-up when it is too late and it's baby time)

Oh, what to do.

I guess my plan will remain the same. I will apply for that last application cycle. I guess it is better to know than not know.

What have I signed myself up for?!

2011-02-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

I am a very weak person. I have never played sports (for long) and spend most of my time sitting.

I recognize that I need to build strength and muscle, in order to be a healthier person. I also want to do so before I am a frail old woman that would break bones if she tripped!

Thus, I decided to sign up for a 5K run… then I decided to sign up for another one TWO WEEKS AFTER.

Just so you know, I have NEVER run a mile in under 11 minutes. I am SLLLOOOOWWW. I average around 12 or so minutes a mile.

I have about 2 months to train until April.

Wish me luck! I will surely need it.

Until then, I will be Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shredding It Up and running occassionally at the gym.

I hope to finish the 5 K in about ~10 minutes per mile.

I did 3 miles on the elliptical today and it took me just under 40 minutes. I think I can reach my goal, even though today I was a LIMP noodle after I got off. I could barely walk.

I’ll keep you posted!

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog

Transitions

2011-02-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

This was posted on my tumblr, but I figured I would put it on here too... since i am updating my blog all of a sudden. (this is from Nov. 2010)
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My life lately has been full of transitions. It ranges from the tiny, like moving my blog from Blogger onto Tumblr, to the BIG, as I will discuss into depth later.

This last year was one of my difficult years so far in my young life. I have said that statement a number of times before (I can be quite melodramatic), but I have never meant it so deeply and so truly.

Many of these transitions have been very difficult. I can only imagine how many transitions are yet to come, before things will truly be settled once more.

In the last year, I have transitioned from:

A Student to A Young Professional

Studying in a less than 5 hour work-week to Working a 40 hour work-week

Living for Night Life to Living for the Weekend

Being a Poor College Student to an “Adult” on a Tight Budget

Living with Friends to Living with Family

Being Together to Being Long Distance (with my relationship)

Being Able to Say My “Parents” to Only Saying My Mom (my father passed last year)

Living in a College Town to Living in my Home Town (that most people my age have already fled)

As time has gone by, things are starting to settle down. I am sure it will only be a matter of time before it becomes uprooted again.

Through all of these transitions, I see that I am gaining the strength and independence that I never knew I had.

I used to think I was a person who needed stability. I am starting to feel like change is welcome in order for me to grow.

I can weather any storm.

- aMusingsBlog

ALL ABOUT APPS... My First Rejection and Interview

2011-02-12T10:10:00.001-08:00

Updates on my application:

Today I got my first rejection letter. I cannot say I am too bummed since it was a place I truly did not see myself at, but applied anyway. I figured i might have some sort of epiphany if I was invited to go there and visited... I guess I would have given it a fighting chance at the interview, but alas I never even got an interview.

The more and more I think about it, the chances of me going to graduate school next year into a doctoral psychology program (clinical or I/O) is slim... VERY slim.

It's not the matter of grades, research experience, work experience, letters, basically anything I can be in super control of, because I have all of that stuff....

It all boils down to my freaking GRE score. A standardized test that I feel I cannot do well on studying on my own. I studied for 3 months to get my AVERAGE 1200. I think if I had the golden score of 1400, I would have no problem.

I only got one interview this year, for a program pretty low on my list. I went, but I got the vibe that the program was not the right fit for me.

I could not help but feel sad when people talked about how they had other interviews, or even their unwavering passion for the field itself... The confidence that YES this particular program of psychology is definitely for me.

Working has brought me a lot of experience, not only professionally but in life. It has made me thinking critically about what I want for the future. Subsequently, this critical thinking has just made me more confused and indecisive more than ever.

I guess now I just have another year to tackle it head on.

I will study for the GRE again, and take a prep course. I will throw down $3000, if I have to.
I will move into the city and take some courses.
I will work really hard at my job, in case graduate school just doesn't pan out.

This next year is the last year I will be applying. I have a feeling that things will work out for me no matter what. Either way I am in a good position.

If I do get in, it will be weird to think that people in my cohort will have already gotten their master's right when I am just starting out.

I really need to transcend this whole being on a time-line thing! I should just freeze my eggs now, just in case.... haha.

Tumblr!!

2010-12-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

I just added a tumblr version of my blog. I can barely update one, now let's see how I handle two! haha.

I cannot decide if I want to make the full transition to tumblr. I will keep you posted!!

Until i make my final decision, I will try and post on both! I will only keep my grad app related stuff on here though.

Anyway, here is the link!

http://amusingsblog.tumblr.com/

Stay tuned!

- aMusingsBlog

Doctor, how do you find the temperature of my WEDDING FEVER?!

2010-10-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

I blame facebook. It is the root of all evil.

Everyday I am BOMBARDED by pictures of engagements, weddings, prego bellies, babies, first homes, etc., etc.! So, everyday I am reminded of all the things I am FAR from achieving myself in my own life. Don't get my wrong, I am happy for all of those people, but I can't help but be jealous!!

When I was in college, I was able to readily dismiss those things because I felt I was in my own little bubble. I was in college, of course those things wouldn't happen to me yet, I wasn't an adult (in my eyes at least)! Those days I was happy to spend my days and nights with Biff and friends, with no real care in the world.

Little did I know that graduating would bring a flood of feelings that just won't go away! Granted, I have only graduated for a few months... but I can't help but feel like an adult all of a sudden. I go to work 8-4 (my metaphorical 9-5). I do things adults do, right? I read the news now for goodness sake!

Now... it's feeling like I could do those things! What?! Weddings? Babies? ME?!

My rational mind says I don't want these things to happen for a LONG time from now... at least 5 years? When I am financially ready (but at this rate, will I ever be?), these things will happen with time. (Even in 5 years, I will be a poor graduate student!)

My crazy emotional woman-side is like, "I'm so JEALOUS! That's so cute, so fun!" My favorite part is looking at the men, with such love in their eyes! It is so surprising the men so young are willing to take the plunge and commit!! It's TOO cute.

Then my rational side comes back and says, "all that planning!! STRESS STRESS STRESS!!"

I was also blaming the fact that my cousin was getting married. Everyone was sending mixed messages about how cute the wedding was but that it was too fast and too soon! (He's 24) But either way... I couldn't help but get excited for my first wedding attendance!

I figured it would go away after the wedding was over... but my greatest fear has happened... it isn't going away!!!!!

Maybe it's just hard for me because all of these thoughts do not help in my missing Biff. I know if he were around, he would smack some sense into me. He isn't here to help keep my mind from wandering!!

Now I've already thought of all the fun details!!

Cake = red velvet
Colors = purple and teal
flowers = hyacinths (they smell really good), orchids, hydrangea, etc.

My wedding fever has even graduated to trying to work out the messy details...

Who is going to walk me down the aisle?
Church? Outside?
Who should I invite?
How am I going to pay for all of this?!
(esp. since my mom saying she isn't going to pay for it and is actually expecting money (chinese tradition) although she may be kidding (Gosh, I hope she's kidding), I do support it because I am worth at least $8,000 (which is what my dad paid my grandmother for my mom))
Biff says he is not paying... although I cannot say I blame him, but now I might have to pay for myself. haha

I guess I do have a long time to work out all these messy details... and more since I don't even know the many details that go into a wedding!!! What are all the traditions? What goes into it?

I thought watching Bridezillas today would help... It just made me angry because those women don't even deserve to get married!!!

I hope what my friend janimal says is not true... I hope wedding fever is not like herpes, in the fact that it never goes away... if so, I'm so screwed! I have a lifetime to wait!

I guess my biggest hesitation is that I also don't really want to be the first in my little cohort (including my older sister, older cousin, and younger cousin) to get married! But... I am also the only one in a committed relationship!!! GAH! I hope my sis and cousin find a man soon!

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog

This Month's Obsession... September Edition

2010-09-14T18:40:00.001-07:00

This month, and possibly for the rest of the fall/winter season, I must say I am obsessed with JEGGINGS. you know... jean leggings or leggings that look like jeans.

Here are the reasons why I love them:

1. They are VERY comfortable
2. They are very thick and warm
3. They are easy to slip under boots
4. They look like jeans so they go well with everything
5. They are affordable (compared to jeans that can get expensive)

I love getting my pairs of jeggings through nordstrom rack!

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog

Where Is The Love? The Neighborly Love?

2010-09-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I awoke to a note from a neighbor...

On a small piece of paper, located under my windshield wiper, was a practically illegible note due to its smeared ink from the morning's dew.

The note TOLD (not asked) me to not park my car on the street next to my house. The neighbor, who chose to remain anonymous due to what I assume was cowardliness, had apparently already filed a complaint with the home owner's association (HOA). The neighbor kindly signed the note "Use your driveway." I can't help but sarcastically thank them for the suggestion!

Normally I would not be so angry but this is just one of the incidences where a neighbor complained about my family. We have lived there less than a year! The drama about our trashcan (which apparently is an unacceptable eye-sore) had just wrapped up not too long ago. I still do not see why we cannot keep our trashcan on the side of the house (not facing the street)... Now our tiny little garage is over-run with trash cans, but I guess that's not the point.

Well I have decided not to move my car for a number of reasons. 1. It might force the person to approach me and let me know why I should move my car (I can be swayed by a persuasive argument), 2. There is more than enough room for everyone, 3. Other people park their car on the curb as well (I hope I have not been singled out), 4. It is convenient not to block in the rest of the cars in the garage, 5. The mere principle...

If the HOA does do something about it, I will obviously move my car... but not just because a cowardly neighbor left a note on it. JERKS.

If the HOA cannot do anything about it (which I think they can't) I too can play this little game of note tag.

Here is a draft of what I think I will write, passive-aggressively:

Dear Anonymous Neighbor,

Thank you for your note, although I do not understand the complaint you have filed with the HOA. I would love to discuss your concerns in-person about the location of my car, on the side of my home. I would like to understand your reasoning because I feel that there is more than enough space for everyone.

Love,
Thy Neighbor

This incident was just a little reminder of what I left when I graduated. People in a college town would never be so rude or even care where your trash can or car lie. I sure don't, to each their own!

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog

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**UPDATE**

The HOA said that the spot is in a public area (outside of their jurisdiction) therefore I have every right to park my car there.

I have still been parking there ever since the note, and have yet to receive another one.

I still count it as a small victory.

:)

Labor Day Vacay

2010-09-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a nice short vacation. So glad that I used my extra day off work to travel! (instead of what they call a "staycation") It was really nice to get away because I know if I had stayed... I would feel compelled to do grad applications. :(

The plane rides weren't even so bad! Luckily for me, flying was smooth and very short (about an hour each way). These were even little tiny jets! Hopefully one day I will be able to hop onto a plane without any hesitation.

This trip reminded me of what it likes to be back in college. Fun and care-free. I felt like I accomplished so much in the last three days. I reunited with Biff, I saw some good ol' friends, and even explored a new city! I was even not tempted to be my usual lame self and to go bed around 10/12 at the latest.

It was very hard for me to leave! I wanted to stay so badly!!! BUT... in the end it is for the best that Biff and I are long distance right now. My heart is growing fonder and we are both building a strong foundation for our future careers. We are both getting invaluable experience in opportunities that we could not find elsewhere. It was easy to relate to the new "going the distance" movie with drew barrymore and justin long (a pretty funny and good movie, fyi)

It feels weird now that I am back that I need to go to work tomorrow!!

Ugh... the last thing I want to do is do grad school apps... this trip reminded me of what it is like to be young and carefree. I cannot imagine being in grad school right now... with all of that READING and stress!!! I keep having this nagging feeling that I should wait an extra year... BUT at the same time, I should just get it over with??? oh what to do???!!!

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog

Should I allow my Allowance?

2010-08-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

Here is something I am trying to adjust to from poor college student to young professional... Now that I actually have money what should I do with it?

On the one hand, I feel an OVERWHELMING urge to save it all up. I know spending it is the easy part.

On the other hand, I want to buy all the things I couldn't while I was at school. (Mostly a bigger budget of clothing and shoes)

My current allowance is $100 a week. It sounds like a lot, right? It never feels like enough.

In the end... LIFE IS JUST TOO DARN EXPENSIVE!

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog

ALL ABOUT APPS - Advisers

2010-08-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

I e-mailed potential advisers today. I wanted to make sure they were accepting students for the upcoming year.

So far, I have had many positive responses. It was quite surprising because I know I am e-mailing them way in advance since applications are not due until winter.

I know this should be an exciting time... I am excited, but yet I also can't shake this feeling of doubt. I can't quite put my finger on it... I may dedicate a post to my confused feelings.

We shall see how this plays out. I shall keep you posted.

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog

The Wonders of "Private" or "Incognito" Browsing!

2010-08-25T17:36:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite sites to frequent is Lifehacker.

I was really intrigued by one of today's post, mostly because I browse the internet pretty freely at work (like facebook, people.com, etc.)

Anyway, it was about how to use private browsing (in firefox) or incognito mode (in chrome).

Here is a link to the post:
http://lifehacker.com/5620502/nine-great-uses-for-private-browsing-that-dont-involve-porn

Anyway, it's amazing because now I can manage multiple google accounts at once! (especially since this blog has it's own google account) It will be nice once I really start posting frequently.

It's too bad my work computer doesn't have to latest version of firefox... so no private browsing at work for me!

Well, I hope it helps!

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog

ALL ABOUT APPS - My Stats

2010-08-21T12:14:00.001-07:00

For those of you who are applying to doctoral programs in Clinical Psychology... I am sure you know what a seemingly impossible feat that may be.

Only about 5% of those who apply get accepted!!

These days, more and more are opting for graduate school since the job market isn't exactly promising either.

Anyway, I hope to dedicate some of my posts to my application process. I think it will help relieve some stress in the process for me and hopefully you other applicants will be able to empathize with me. :)

Today I wanted to give you a little bit of background about me.

MY STATS

I graduated last year with a good GPA from a good state school.
I had AVERAGE GRE scores of about 1200.
I had research experiences in multiple labs.
I wrote a senior thesis.
I did not have any publications, but I did do some poster and oral presentations.
I am now a full-time research assistant.

THE FIRST TIME AROUND....

Last year I applied to 13 schools. I spread myself pretty thin.
I applied to 6 Clinical, 3 I/O, 1 School, and 4 Master's programs.

I interviewed at two places (one clinical and one school psyc)
I was put on two waiting lists (one clinical and one I/O), but subsequently rejected.
I was accepted into the school psychology program and one I/O program (as a master's not a PHD)
In the end, the school psyc program was not for me and the I/O master's was too expensive.

That is where I am now... actively cultivating my research experience and giving it another try.

This time around, I will only apply to programs I will actually go to (no more school psyc for me). Half of the schools I apply for will be clinical and the other half I/O. I will NOT be applying to any master's programs. I feel that since I really love my job, it would be better to stay an extra year to get even more research experience and apply again, rather than to PAY for a master's. Either way, I will be just as well off in either scenario.

I learned a lot from the first time around. I have a good feeling about this batch of applications. I will share my tips in subsequent "ALL ABOUT APPS" posts so stay tuned!!! Feel free to ask me any questions! GOOD LUCK!!!

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog

I'm Back!!

2010-08-20T07:40:00.001-07:00

It has been WAY too long since I have written a post! I recently decided, after some inspiration from a dear friend, janimal, to revive this blog. Note the new header, as designed from janimal. If you LOVE it as much as I do, I highly suggest you follow her design blog:

http://janimalprint.blogspot.com/

For all of who you may be wondering why my old posts have been deleted, it is because I would like to start anew. Since I have given my boyfriend, aka Biff, my URL... I can no longer use this blog as a forum for the horrible and grave injustices that he submits me to ;)

Instead, I plan to take this blog to another and even better direction. Instead of focusing on my relationship with Biff, I will focus more on the other things that define my life, like navigating my first year out of college as a "young professional", transitioning from living on my own to living back with my mom (for now), and just things I love and enjoy (friends, food, clothing, fun websites, etc.)!! Of course, for those who may be interested, I will probably still chronicle my relationship with Biff but not as often. I mean we've been together for a long time... he's bound to creep in to my posts.

I am also happy to announce that I will dedicate some of my posts to my clinical psych PHD applications, since they are a major part of my life. I will call it "ALL ABOUT APPS".

Lastly, I will also post more frequently so hopefully there will be a little something for everyone! I hope you will continue to read and watch my journey unfold!!! Thanks for the support!!! For those of you who are new, WELCOME (and don't worry you haven't missed out on anything yet)

Sincerely,

aMusingsBlog