Saturday, June 4, 2011

My seemingly post-college apocalyse

Before I start, I believe this cartoon (from really sums up my feelings about the current state of my life.

The afterglow of care-free college is starting to dim now that a year has past since graduation. I am still no closer to figuring out my life than when I walked across the stage to get my diploma.

With such large looming doubts about graduate school (see my previous post), another problem has crept into the limelight of my life. My little heart and mind can barely handle this much stress and my sensitive and Type A personality cannot help but run wild with it.

Relationships are HARD. Particularly long distance ones, like the one that Biff and I have maintained this last year. Looking back on the year, I thought we were doing really really well. But the prospect of another year far apart brings on another flood of mixed emotions.

Lately the stress of trying to navigate my life/plan for the future has been too tough to bear. This results in freak-outs, mood swings, and all around craziness that Biff, my friends, and family have been gracious enough to be patient through.

With all of these problems, things to discuss/work out, it is sometimes really hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. So many "what if's" are floating around in my brain. Additionally, I cannot help but feel, at times, that there is no all-around perfect solution to this conundrum.

There are just too many factors/people in play here. I guess it really is true that your life is full of networks/connections to others.

These are all the things I really need to figure out.
1. My professional career. What am I going to do? What do I want to do? It has many implications on where I need to live, whether or not I need graduate study, etc.
2. My relationship with Biff. We cannot be long-distance forever if we're going to make this work.
3. The pressures of my family. They value career and money above all else during my current life stage.

I wish these things would just get easier. I am really at a loss of what I should do. I am currently unhappy at this point. Although I know what I need to do to make myself happy, it might not be the smartest or most productive thing for me at this point in my life. I might be taking a big risk here. I have a lot at stake.

I hope you can forgive me for my somewhat vague melodramatic post here.


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