Saturday, June 4, 2011
The afterglow of care-free college is starting to dim now that a year has past since graduation. I am still no closer to figuring out my life than when I walked across the stage to get my diploma.
With such large looming doubts about graduate school (see my previous post), another problem has crept into the limelight of my life. My little heart and mind can barely handle this much stress and my sensitive and Type A personality cannot help but run wild with it.
Relationships are HARD. Particularly long distance ones, like the one that Biff and I have maintained this last year. Looking back on the year, I thought we were doing really really well. But the prospect of another year far apart brings on another flood of mixed emotions.
Lately the stress of trying to navigate my life/plan for the future has been too tough to bear. This results in freak-outs, mood swings, and all around craziness that Biff, my friends, and family have been gracious enough to be patient through.
With all of these problems, things to discuss/work out, it is sometimes really hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. So many "what if's" are floating around in my brain. Additionally, I cannot help but feel, at times, that there is no all-around perfect solution to this conundrum.
There are just too many factors/people in play here. I guess it really is true that your life is full of networks/connections to others.
These are all the things I really need to figure out.
1. My professional career. What am I going to do? What do I want to do? It has many implications on where I need to live, whether or not I need graduate study, etc.
2. My relationship with Biff. We cannot be long-distance forever if we're going to make this work.
3. The pressures of my family. They value career and money above all else during my current life stage.
I wish these things would just get easier. I am really at a loss of what I should do. I am currently unhappy at this point. Although I know what I need to do to make myself happy, it might not be the smartest or most productive thing for me at this point in my life. I might be taking a big risk here. I have a lot at stake.
I hope you can forgive me for my somewhat vague melodramatic post here.
On the one hand, I am happy because the pressures of the roller coaster ride and the weight of the impending decision was almost too much to bear.
On the other hand, I can't help but feel the sting of rejection leading me to re-consider my fate professionally.
Doubts have started to form. Large gaping cracks have really started to break down my resolve, motivation, and determination.
I have allotted myself 3 cycles in this whole process, because I understand the competitive nature of it all. Although, I am seriously wondering what I should do because of these doubts!
My head is full of so many questions. Can I do the work necessary to complete a doctoral program? Am I willing to sacrifice MUCH of my free time, social life, and other fun things that should be characteristic of youth? Once I graduate, will I be able to find a job? Will the job's salary readily justify the fact that I was out of the workforce for X amount of years? Do I really want all of this, or do I just feel compelled to because I am too afraid to wander around life without a plan? Is a large part of this family-driven? What other degrees should/could I get?
How do I even begin to answer these questions?
I never thought that graduating from undergrad would bring on this tsunami of craziness. I no longer have a set path in front of me. I am free to do pretty much anything but I am crippled by the weight of being an adult. I feel like I am drowning and trying to fight for some air.
These are the primary things that I want out of my life: I want to have fun, I sincerely want to enjoy my youth, I want to begin my life with Biff, and eventually settle down in near a city of opportunity where my children can grow and learn. I want to provide them with a solid foundation for their future. I also crave stability for myself. Therefore, I want to strike a balance now of enjoying my youth AND being productive career-wise (so i don't have to play catch-up when it is too late and it's baby time)
Oh, what to do.
I guess my plan will remain the same. I will apply for that last application cycle. I guess it is better to know than not know.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I am a very weak person. I have never played sports (for long) and spend most of my time sitting.
I recognize that I need to build strength and muscle, in order to be a healthier person. I also want to do so before I am a frail old woman that would break bones if she tripped!
Thus, I decided to sign up for a 5K run… then I decided to sign up for another one TWO WEEKS AFTER.
Just so you know, I have NEVER run a mile in under 11 minutes. I am SLLLOOOOWWW. I average around 12 or so minutes a mile.
I have about 2 months to train until April.
Wish me luck! I will surely need it.
Until then, I will be Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shredding It Up and running occassionally at the gym.
I hope to finish the 5 K in about ~10 minutes per mile.
I did 3 miles on the elliptical today and it took me just under 40 minutes. I think I can reach my goal, even though today I was a LIMP noodle after I got off. I could barely walk.
I’ll keep you posted!
My life lately has been full of transitions. It ranges from the tiny, like moving my blog from Blogger onto Tumblr, to the BIG, as I will discuss into depth later.
This last year was one of my difficult years so far in my young life. I have said that statement a number of times before (I can be quite melodramatic), but I have never meant it so deeply and so truly.
Many of these transitions have been very difficult. I can only imagine how many transitions are yet to come, before things will truly be settled once more.
In the last year, I have transitioned from:
A Student to A Young Professional
Studying in a less than 5 hour work-week to Working a 40 hour work-week
Living for Night Life to Living for the Weekend
Being a Poor College Student to an “Adult” on a Tight Budget
Living with Friends to Living with Family
Being Together to Being Long Distance (with my relationship)
Being Able to Say My “Parents” to Only Saying My Mom (my father passed last year)
Living in a College Town to Living in my Home Town (that most people my age have already fled)
As time has gone by, things are starting to settle down. I am sure it will only be a matter of time before it becomes uprooted again.
Through all of these transitions, I see that I am gaining the strength and independence that I never knew I had.
I used to think I was a person who needed stability. I am starting to feel like change is welcome in order for me to grow.
I can weather any storm.
Today I got my first rejection letter. I cannot say I am too bummed since it was a place I truly did not see myself at, but applied anyway. I figured i might have some sort of epiphany if I was invited to go there and visited... I guess I would have given it a fighting chance at the interview, but alas I never even got an interview.
The more and more I think about it, the chances of me going to graduate school next year into a doctoral psychology program (clinical or I/O) is slim... VERY slim.
It's not the matter of grades, research experience, work experience, letters, basically anything I can be in super control of, because I have all of that stuff....
It all boils down to my freaking GRE score. A standardized test that I feel I cannot do well on studying on my own. I studied for 3 months to get my AVERAGE 1200. I think if I had the golden score of 1400, I would have no problem.
I only got one interview this year, for a program pretty low on my list. I went, but I got the vibe that the program was not the right fit for me.
I could not help but feel sad when people talked about how they had other interviews, or even their unwavering passion for the field itself... The confidence that YES this particular program of psychology is definitely for me.
Working has brought me a lot of experience, not only professionally but in life. It has made me thinking critically about what I want for the future. Subsequently, this critical thinking has just made me more confused and indecisive more than ever.
I guess now I just have another year to tackle it head on.
I will study for the GRE again, and take a prep course. I will throw down $3000, if I have to.
I will move into the city and take some courses.
I will work really hard at my job, in case graduate school just doesn't pan out.
This next year is the last year I will be applying. I have a feeling that things will work out for me no matter what. Either way I am in a good position.
If I do get in, it will be weird to think that people in my cohort will have already gotten their master's right when I am just starting out.
I really need to transcend this whole being on a time-line thing! I should just freeze my eggs now, just in case.... haha.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I just added a tumblr version of my blog. I can barely update one, now let's see how I handle two! haha.
I cannot decide if I want to make the full transition to tumblr. I will keep you posted!!
Until i make my final decision, I will try and post on both! I will only keep my grad app related stuff on here though.
Anyway, here is the link!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Everyday I am BOMBARDED by pictures of engagements, weddings, prego bellies, babies, first homes, etc., etc.! So, everyday I am reminded of all the things I am FAR from achieving myself in my own life. Don't get my wrong, I am happy for all of those people, but I can't help but be jealous!!
When I was in college, I was able to readily dismiss those things because I felt I was in my own little bubble. I was in college, of course those things wouldn't happen to me yet, I wasn't an adult (in my eyes at least)! Those days I was happy to spend my days and nights with Biff and friends, with no real care in the world.
Little did I know that graduating would bring a flood of feelings that just won't go away! Granted, I have only graduated for a few months... but I can't help but feel like an adult all of a sudden. I go to work 8-4 (my metaphorical 9-5). I do things adults do, right? I read the news now for goodness sake!
Now... it's feeling like I could do those things! What?! Weddings? Babies? ME?!
My rational mind says I don't want these things to happen for a LONG time from now... at least 5 years? When I am financially ready (but at this rate, will I ever be?), these things will happen with time. (Even in 5 years, I will be a poor graduate student!)
My crazy emotional woman-side is like, "I'm so JEALOUS! That's so cute, so fun!" My favorite part is looking at the men, with such love in their eyes! It is so surprising the men so young are willing to take the plunge and commit!! It's TOO cute.
Then my rational side comes back and says, "all that planning!! STRESS STRESS STRESS!!"
I was also blaming the fact that my cousin was getting married. Everyone was sending mixed messages about how cute the wedding was but that it was too fast and too soon! (He's 24) But either way... I couldn't help but get excited for my first wedding attendance!
I figured it would go away after the wedding was over... but my greatest fear has happened... it isn't going away!!!!!
Maybe it's just hard for me because all of these thoughts do not help in my missing Biff. I know if he were around, he would smack some sense into me. He isn't here to help keep my mind from wandering!!
Now I've already thought of all the fun details!!
Cake = red velvet
Colors = purple and teal
flowers = hyacinths (they smell really good), orchids, hydrangea, etc.
My wedding fever has even graduated to trying to work out the messy details...
Who is going to walk me down the aisle?
Who should I invite?
How am I going to pay for all of this?!
(esp. since my mom saying she isn't going to pay for it and is actually expecting money (chinese tradition) although she may be kidding (Gosh, I hope she's kidding), I do support it because I am worth at least $8,000 (which is what my dad paid my grandmother for my mom))
Biff says he is not paying... although I cannot say I blame him, but now I might have to pay for myself. haha
I guess I do have a long time to work out all these messy details... and more since I don't even know the many details that go into a wedding!!! What are all the traditions? What goes into it?
I thought watching Bridezillas today would help... It just made me angry because those women don't even deserve to get married!!!
I hope what my friend janimal says is not true... I hope wedding fever is not like herpes, in the fact that it never goes away... if so, I'm so screwed! I have a lifetime to wait!
I guess my biggest hesitation is that I also don't really want to be the first in my little cohort (including my older sister, older cousin, and younger cousin) to get married! But... I am also the only one in a committed relationship!!! GAH! I hope my sis and cousin find a man soon!